looking back
I was hoping that 2005 would be a great year for me but it turned out to be the worst year of my life! Over the past ten months I have had many up's and down's. The year started off great I even got a new job doing some thing I have always wanted to do, work with children. The day before I was due to start my new job my grandmother passed away, we were very, very close and to loose her so soon and so suddenly was heartbreaking. There is a big hole in my heart and in my life and everything seems so cruel and unfair. Telling my nine year old cousin was heartbreaking, knowing that I was going to break his little heart was unbearable. He asked me why god had taken our grandmother to be an angel in heaven when she was an angel here with us. I was devastated by my grandmother's death I was so angry, I also felt guilty for not being with her when she died though my mother and aunt was with her I still felt like I should have been there for her. I miss my grandmothermore than words can say she was a great person and I will always remember her for the happy, cheer full person she was but I just wish she was here today.As a family we helped each other through but it didn't make it any easier. People would pass me on the street, some would stare some would cross the road to avoid me other's woudl stop and stare.
As I tried to come to terms with my grandmother's death I wrote a poem and a letter for my grandmother, I ended up reading them out at the funeral. It was hard standing up in front of all those people feeling so sad and angry, but through my tear's and a few smiles I did finish it I wanted to do it for my gran. It was a nice service and the church was full, it was nice to see that so many people had come to pay their respects for such a wonderfull woman. The day of the funeral my 14 year old cousin had decided that she would be attending the funeral and wanted to sit by me. We cried together, we held each other and we comforted each other.Two weeks after my grandmother's death I started my new job, it was hard starting a new job under such circumstances. The hospital is next door to my work place so that was a battle in it's self. But my grandmother was so proud of me for following my dream and getting the job that I felt I had to do it for her.I was also nearing my journey through orthognathic surgery (jaw surgery), I was given a very difficult choice to make as to which surgery I was going to have. But with the help of my mum and surgeon I came to the decision that was right for me, though it was a lot more complicated and a bigger operation it was the right one for me.
I had endless hospital appointments the months running up to the surgery but I couldn't wait to get it over with, though at times it did feel like I was doing too much at once after all I was struggling to come to terms with my grandmother's death, I had started a new job and facing the biggest operation of my life. But my family and friends helped me through and I knew that I could do it. In April I was given my surgery date and I had mixed emotions, part of me was looking forwards to the surgery and to the "new" me, but the other part of me was dreading the surgery and most of all the recovery.I saw my surgeon every week until the surgery and i'm glad that I was able to see him as often as I did even if it did mean a three hour drive there and back. He was able to answer all the questions my mother and I had and put my mind at rest. He also had to go through the surgery in detail with me and the risks and complications of the surgery, I didn't want to know but had to be told. The week running up to surgery all I could think about was the surgery, I went into hospital the day before my surgery. I saw my surgeon for the final time until the surgery and also got to meet the assisting surgeon. My mother was more anxious/worried than I was and had a long list of questions for the surgeon. The only question I had was how much hair they were going to shave off!!! Now you're probably wondering why they were shaving my hair off! Not only were they going to do jaw surgery but they were also going to fix my small, flat nose and to do that they had to cut under each and and from earto ear.
My surgeon found it amazing after all I was facing a major op in the morning and I was worried about how much hair they were going to shave off!Needless to say the night before the op was a very restless night, I couldn't sleep because I was nervous about the day ahead but I was also exited. After all this operation was going to make a big difference to me. As soon as I went to sleep it was time to get up again! and get prepared for surgery. My mum came just before the porter came, she was worse than I was. I could tell that she had been crying, she was nervous and scared about the operation and to make things worse no one knew how long the surgery would last. Going to the anesthetic room is was surprisingly calm and for the first time in my life I didn't cry.I can remember opening my eye's for a moment in recovery room and then went back to sleep, though I could hear people talking around me. My mum came to see me and almost passed out, she had been warned that I had lost a lot of blood during the operation and was very, very pale. I also had several tubes, IV lines in place not to mention the drains. The following day I was in a lot of pain and discomfort even the slightest move hurt, thankfully my pain medication was increased. My eye's were very blurry and I had double vision so I couldn't see anyone let alone talk to them, I couldn't even write anything down for them, not like I felt like it. My only way of communication was to squeeze someones hand once for yes twice for no.
That night I began having breathing problems which caused everyone a great deal of concern.
They ran several tests, took some x-rays and the physio came to see me even though I couldn't/wasn't allowed to get out of bed. I had a blood clot on my lung which wascausing my breathing problems, so I was given even more medication for that.All I wanted to do was sleep I was tired and was pumped with all kinds of medication and of course recovering from a major op that took over 14 HOURS!!! My poor mother was pacing the hospital floors for 14 hours luckily her friend was staying with her as we were three hours away from home. But I was never short of visitors, friends and family were making the three hour drive to the hospital armed with cards and gifts. My bed looked like a gift shop it was full of cards, letter's, gifts and balloon's.
After four days in bed I was finally allowed out of bed, with the help of the nurse and physio's I was able to get out of bed and into the chair next to my bed. Though it was very,very pain full I was glad to be out of bed and I was having breathing problems again so we were hoping it would help.I was told that I needed to start taking fluids in again as I had been on the drip for five days, but it wasn't all plain sailing. Every time I tried to drink I would choke, I kept trying but nothing helped. I also wanted to get up and walking again despite being in a lot of pain I wanted to get up and about. When the physio came with a zimmer frame I was disgusted! but he said that before I could start with crutches I would have to use the frame. I managed a few steps before passing out, causing more worry for those around me so it was back to bed for me. The surgeon did more tests and gave me yet another blood transfusion six in total, my iron levels were extremely low.
The following day we tried the frame again and with the help of my surgeon, physio, mum and the other patients I was able to do a few steps. I still had a hard time drinking so the speech therapist came to help, and I was able to drink a few drops at a time. But once I got the hang of drinking through a syringe and beaker I did better.Then all of a sudden my legs stopped working! Alarm bells started ringing and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to feel my legs again. Several different doctor's came and went through the night doing test after test. No one seemed to know the reason why this was happening, all I could do was sit and wait praying that the feeling in my legs would come back. Two days later the feeling in my legs returned and I was able to use them again, though we were cautious not to do too much physio. I was finally allowed to go home after ten days in hospital armed with crutches, I was only able to get around with my crutches and I was totally dependent on everyone around me.
The next few days were both physically and emotionally draining, I also got frustrated at times because no one could understand a word I was saying and writing it down took too long. I was still shocked at how much different I looked. Two weeks post-op I finally had the 183 staples taken out from my head and was finally allowed to wash my hair! My hair was a horrible shade of red!!! from all the blood. When I washed my hair I wasn't prepared for what happened, my hair started to come out and I was left with three big bald patches. Luckily my hair covered it but I knew they were there, and over the next two weeks more of my hair fell out and I was devastated. My surgeon didn't know why this was happening as he had never seen it happen before, I was later diagnosed with alopecia. I wore a baseball hat to cover my bald patches up, I hate wearing hats especially baseball hats but I soon got used to it! now I won't leave the house without my hat.My recovery was a very difficult recovery and full of complications, not only had lost half of my hair but the wound on my hip where they opened to take the bone graft got infected and opened up, resulting in an emergency dash to the local hospital. Then things went down hill I was re-admitted into hospital 6 times due to infection after infection. I also had another surgery beginning of August, sadly it turned out to be a waste of time. I also had breathing problems after that op too.
The surgery has badly affected my speech and people can't understand what i'm saying. I was told before the surgery that there was a risk of deterioration in speech but I wasn't prepared for such a big change, but with further surgery that can be sorted. I also have a dent under each eye and they look bad. I constantly look tired and sick, I mentioned it to my surgeon and he said that sometimes a revision is needed and that he can always fix it! When I saw my orthodontist for the second time after surgery she mentioned that my jaw is relapsing, so I now have to wear bands on my teeth to try and prevent any further damage/movement. They're not the best things to wear but if it means that it could prevent another surgery then I will wear them. I will have my braces in for another five months and then I will have the caps, crowns, bridges etc put in place for the final touches to my fantastic smile!! At last I have a smile that i'm proud of I have a lot more confidence in myself now.Before my surgery I was told that I would have to take six to eight weeks off work, but after my surgery I was told six to ten weeks by the physio. I had a terrible time walking on my hip and could only get around with crutches, I was later told that they had taken too much bone from my hip which was the reason it was so pain full. But as a result of the long list of complications and a very slow recovery I was off work for almost five months. I returned to work even though I wasn't feeling 100%, but I felt like my life was on hold and wanted to get back to doing what I love doing. After a week in work it was clear that I wasn't ready to go back, my infection flared up yet again, and I was still very weak and worse for wear from both operations.
I went into hospital December 1st for my scans and ready for surgery Dec 2nd, when I went into hospital they took some blood samples. Late that night one of my Dr's came to see me saying that there was a problem with my blood and that he needed to run more tests to make sure. He told me that my blood was too thick and clotting, he asked if there was any family history and I started to panic. I explained to him that my grandmother had died as a result of a blood clot early this year, I also reminded him that after jaw surgery I had a clot on my lung. I spent hours worrying about it but luckily it was a lab error and everything was ok. I was also told that my surgeon wouldn't be doing any kind of procedure and that he would only be taking a look around. But when I woke up in recovery I felt awfull and i was in a lot of pain, I couldn't understand why!! As I went to touch my face a nurse told me not to touch my face that there had been a complication in theatre. My surgeon came to seeme and said that there was nothing to worry about and that he had removed two plates and some screws due to severe infection. Now we will wait and see how things heal and we will plan our next surgery in March..
I am hoping to have all my operations done and dusted early next year. But for now I will concentrate on getting better and enjoy my life to the full! My friends can't wait until I am out clubbing with them again as it has been a while. I couldn't have asked for better friends they have been behind me through the good times and the bad times. They were there for me night or day and I will always remember that. If someone would have told me this time last year what the year 2005 had install for my family and I, I wouldn't have believed them. It all seems like a horror story but sadly this night mare is 100% true. My grandmother has been gone for ten months now, but it feels like it was only yesterday that I got a call to say she was sick. My grandmother wasn't just my grandmother but she was also my hero. I will always cherish the memories, pictures and everything that reminds me of my grandmother. And one day we will be together once again but until then I will live life to thefull after all life is for living as my grand mother would say.
As I tried to come to terms with my grandmother's death I wrote a poem and a letter for my grandmother, I ended up reading them out at the funeral. It was hard standing up in front of all those people feeling so sad and angry, but through my tear's and a few smiles I did finish it I wanted to do it for my gran. It was a nice service and the church was full, it was nice to see that so many people had come to pay their respects for such a wonderfull woman. The day of the funeral my 14 year old cousin had decided that she would be attending the funeral and wanted to sit by me. We cried together, we held each other and we comforted each other.Two weeks after my grandmother's death I started my new job, it was hard starting a new job under such circumstances. The hospital is next door to my work place so that was a battle in it's self. But my grandmother was so proud of me for following my dream and getting the job that I felt I had to do it for her.I was also nearing my journey through orthognathic surgery (jaw surgery), I was given a very difficult choice to make as to which surgery I was going to have. But with the help of my mum and surgeon I came to the decision that was right for me, though it was a lot more complicated and a bigger operation it was the right one for me.
I had endless hospital appointments the months running up to the surgery but I couldn't wait to get it over with, though at times it did feel like I was doing too much at once after all I was struggling to come to terms with my grandmother's death, I had started a new job and facing the biggest operation of my life. But my family and friends helped me through and I knew that I could do it. In April I was given my surgery date and I had mixed emotions, part of me was looking forwards to the surgery and to the "new" me, but the other part of me was dreading the surgery and most of all the recovery.I saw my surgeon every week until the surgery and i'm glad that I was able to see him as often as I did even if it did mean a three hour drive there and back. He was able to answer all the questions my mother and I had and put my mind at rest. He also had to go through the surgery in detail with me and the risks and complications of the surgery, I didn't want to know but had to be told. The week running up to surgery all I could think about was the surgery, I went into hospital the day before my surgery. I saw my surgeon for the final time until the surgery and also got to meet the assisting surgeon. My mother was more anxious/worried than I was and had a long list of questions for the surgeon. The only question I had was how much hair they were going to shave off!!! Now you're probably wondering why they were shaving my hair off! Not only were they going to do jaw surgery but they were also going to fix my small, flat nose and to do that they had to cut under each and and from earto ear.
My surgeon found it amazing after all I was facing a major op in the morning and I was worried about how much hair they were going to shave off!Needless to say the night before the op was a very restless night, I couldn't sleep because I was nervous about the day ahead but I was also exited. After all this operation was going to make a big difference to me. As soon as I went to sleep it was time to get up again! and get prepared for surgery. My mum came just before the porter came, she was worse than I was. I could tell that she had been crying, she was nervous and scared about the operation and to make things worse no one knew how long the surgery would last. Going to the anesthetic room is was surprisingly calm and for the first time in my life I didn't cry.I can remember opening my eye's for a moment in recovery room and then went back to sleep, though I could hear people talking around me. My mum came to see me and almost passed out, she had been warned that I had lost a lot of blood during the operation and was very, very pale. I also had several tubes, IV lines in place not to mention the drains. The following day I was in a lot of pain and discomfort even the slightest move hurt, thankfully my pain medication was increased. My eye's were very blurry and I had double vision so I couldn't see anyone let alone talk to them, I couldn't even write anything down for them, not like I felt like it. My only way of communication was to squeeze someones hand once for yes twice for no.
That night I began having breathing problems which caused everyone a great deal of concern.
They ran several tests, took some x-rays and the physio came to see me even though I couldn't/wasn't allowed to get out of bed. I had a blood clot on my lung which wascausing my breathing problems, so I was given even more medication for that.All I wanted to do was sleep I was tired and was pumped with all kinds of medication and of course recovering from a major op that took over 14 HOURS!!! My poor mother was pacing the hospital floors for 14 hours luckily her friend was staying with her as we were three hours away from home. But I was never short of visitors, friends and family were making the three hour drive to the hospital armed with cards and gifts. My bed looked like a gift shop it was full of cards, letter's, gifts and balloon's.
After four days in bed I was finally allowed out of bed, with the help of the nurse and physio's I was able to get out of bed and into the chair next to my bed. Though it was very,very pain full I was glad to be out of bed and I was having breathing problems again so we were hoping it would help.I was told that I needed to start taking fluids in again as I had been on the drip for five days, but it wasn't all plain sailing. Every time I tried to drink I would choke, I kept trying but nothing helped. I also wanted to get up and walking again despite being in a lot of pain I wanted to get up and about. When the physio came with a zimmer frame I was disgusted! but he said that before I could start with crutches I would have to use the frame. I managed a few steps before passing out, causing more worry for those around me so it was back to bed for me. The surgeon did more tests and gave me yet another blood transfusion six in total, my iron levels were extremely low.
The following day we tried the frame again and with the help of my surgeon, physio, mum and the other patients I was able to do a few steps. I still had a hard time drinking so the speech therapist came to help, and I was able to drink a few drops at a time. But once I got the hang of drinking through a syringe and beaker I did better.Then all of a sudden my legs stopped working! Alarm bells started ringing and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to feel my legs again. Several different doctor's came and went through the night doing test after test. No one seemed to know the reason why this was happening, all I could do was sit and wait praying that the feeling in my legs would come back. Two days later the feeling in my legs returned and I was able to use them again, though we were cautious not to do too much physio. I was finally allowed to go home after ten days in hospital armed with crutches, I was only able to get around with my crutches and I was totally dependent on everyone around me.
The next few days were both physically and emotionally draining, I also got frustrated at times because no one could understand a word I was saying and writing it down took too long. I was still shocked at how much different I looked. Two weeks post-op I finally had the 183 staples taken out from my head and was finally allowed to wash my hair! My hair was a horrible shade of red!!! from all the blood. When I washed my hair I wasn't prepared for what happened, my hair started to come out and I was left with three big bald patches. Luckily my hair covered it but I knew they were there, and over the next two weeks more of my hair fell out and I was devastated. My surgeon didn't know why this was happening as he had never seen it happen before, I was later diagnosed with alopecia. I wore a baseball hat to cover my bald patches up, I hate wearing hats especially baseball hats but I soon got used to it! now I won't leave the house without my hat.My recovery was a very difficult recovery and full of complications, not only had lost half of my hair but the wound on my hip where they opened to take the bone graft got infected and opened up, resulting in an emergency dash to the local hospital. Then things went down hill I was re-admitted into hospital 6 times due to infection after infection. I also had another surgery beginning of August, sadly it turned out to be a waste of time. I also had breathing problems after that op too.
The surgery has badly affected my speech and people can't understand what i'm saying. I was told before the surgery that there was a risk of deterioration in speech but I wasn't prepared for such a big change, but with further surgery that can be sorted. I also have a dent under each eye and they look bad. I constantly look tired and sick, I mentioned it to my surgeon and he said that sometimes a revision is needed and that he can always fix it! When I saw my orthodontist for the second time after surgery she mentioned that my jaw is relapsing, so I now have to wear bands on my teeth to try and prevent any further damage/movement. They're not the best things to wear but if it means that it could prevent another surgery then I will wear them. I will have my braces in for another five months and then I will have the caps, crowns, bridges etc put in place for the final touches to my fantastic smile!! At last I have a smile that i'm proud of I have a lot more confidence in myself now.Before my surgery I was told that I would have to take six to eight weeks off work, but after my surgery I was told six to ten weeks by the physio. I had a terrible time walking on my hip and could only get around with crutches, I was later told that they had taken too much bone from my hip which was the reason it was so pain full. But as a result of the long list of complications and a very slow recovery I was off work for almost five months. I returned to work even though I wasn't feeling 100%, but I felt like my life was on hold and wanted to get back to doing what I love doing. After a week in work it was clear that I wasn't ready to go back, my infection flared up yet again, and I was still very weak and worse for wear from both operations.
I went into hospital December 1st for my scans and ready for surgery Dec 2nd, when I went into hospital they took some blood samples. Late that night one of my Dr's came to see me saying that there was a problem with my blood and that he needed to run more tests to make sure. He told me that my blood was too thick and clotting, he asked if there was any family history and I started to panic. I explained to him that my grandmother had died as a result of a blood clot early this year, I also reminded him that after jaw surgery I had a clot on my lung. I spent hours worrying about it but luckily it was a lab error and everything was ok. I was also told that my surgeon wouldn't be doing any kind of procedure and that he would only be taking a look around. But when I woke up in recovery I felt awfull and i was in a lot of pain, I couldn't understand why!! As I went to touch my face a nurse told me not to touch my face that there had been a complication in theatre. My surgeon came to seeme and said that there was nothing to worry about and that he had removed two plates and some screws due to severe infection. Now we will wait and see how things heal and we will plan our next surgery in March..
I am hoping to have all my operations done and dusted early next year. But for now I will concentrate on getting better and enjoy my life to the full! My friends can't wait until I am out clubbing with them again as it has been a while. I couldn't have asked for better friends they have been behind me through the good times and the bad times. They were there for me night or day and I will always remember that. If someone would have told me this time last year what the year 2005 had install for my family and I, I wouldn't have believed them. It all seems like a horror story but sadly this night mare is 100% true. My grandmother has been gone for ten months now, but it feels like it was only yesterday that I got a call to say she was sick. My grandmother wasn't just my grandmother but she was also my hero. I will always cherish the memories, pictures and everything that reminds me of my grandmother. And one day we will be together once again but until then I will live life to thefull after all life is for living as my grand mother would say.
posted by sarah | 1:22 PM
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